


Pretty Words

by WaltzQueen



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Balance Arc, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Schmoop, TAZ Balance, wedding vows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11750913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaltzQueen/pseuds/WaltzQueen
Summary: Kravitz's tongue is the one that lands them in hot water, Not Taako's for once.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No one else has done these two getting married, accidently or otherwise, please provide  
> please

The date had been wonderful; the lights above Neverwinter, a trip out to see a play, with gorgeous music for Kravitz and shitty jokes for Taako, and an hour and a half of the Fantasy Olive Garden staff lavishing their adoration on Taako in a way that screamed please tell us your recipes and also step on me please, while Kravitz watched Taako test just how many breadsticks he could fit in his purse before he got kicked out. It lasted for three bread baskets before someone rolled a nineteen on perception and noticed. Instead of getting kicked out, the staff just offered to give him all the free bread he wanted. While it was nice of them, it sucked all the fun out of it.  
  
Kravitz smiled as they stepped out of the restaurant and opened a rift, out of which fell an entire breadbasket complete with the little green napkin. "They didn't roll a twenty." The only reasonable response was to kiss him. And if that kissing got taken back someplace more private, then that was just fine.  
  
Taako laid spread out on the bed, Kravitz on top of him like a handsome but ineffective blanket. Taako smiled widely, letting the bliss settle in his bones. Kravitz lazy pressed kisses across the open expanse of Taako's neck.  
  
"You're such a sap, Krav" Taako said through his blissed out smile. "Bet you're just aching to go ahead and recite some poetry or something extra goopy."  
  
"You deserve more than poetry, but yes. I really want to even though the most I know poetry-wise is that one about the dog."  
  
"A classic! And well worth knowing."  
  
"Well, you were the one who taught it to me."  
  
"You're welcome, by the way." Taako ran his hands over Kravitz's sweat slicked back. Each muscle and bone pressed against his hands with a solidness that professed the reality of the man he was holding. Honestly, Taako was sort of impressed in his distant way. Kravitz had to put his body back together from ether every time he corporealized on the prime material plane. Maybe it was just a built in perk for servants of a goddess as powerful as the Raven Queen.  
  
Taako watched with half lidded eyes as Kravitz stared up at him, starry eyed and mouthed words on his skin. "Alright, go ahead with the poetry, bone dog. Wow me."  
  
When Clerics Druid feel gods and nature respectively move through them, it is best characterized as a feeling of Rightness. Clerics describe the presence of their gods guiding their hands. Druids intimate the way that the trees and the balance of the world comes through them like high tide washing over a sandcastle. And Kravitz was never a cleric or a druid or talked with one long enough to really hear about that feeling when channeling divinity.  
  
But if you asked what Kravitz felt, when he laid on top of a blissed out, extra-dimensional, alien elf boyfriend who smiled indulgently and let him be as sappy as he wanted to be, he would have said he felt Right. He let that Rightness well up in him and push words out of his mouth that he hadn't been expecting but couldn't disagree with.  
  
"I would dwell where you dwell." Kravitz pressed his artificially heated lips against the still frantically beating pulse in Taako's neck. "In Winter and Spring, because are My Spring."  
  
"How much did you even spend on all those poetry books?" Taako was actually kind of impressed, despite himself.  
  
"I would eat what you eat," Kravitz continued, unabated. Kravitz  reached up to pull Taako's hands out of his sweat weighted locs. Lifting himself up, he pressed their clasped hands back down into the soft comfort of the bed. He did not let go. Kravitz knelt over Taako, hair coming down like a black velvet curtain, keeping them two separate from the world outside each other. "Because I would love what you love."  
  
Taako half wanted to make a snarky comment about Kravitz loving his Tessaralian Pomegranate Pie, but was honestly too damn touched to manage it. He still did not let go of Kravitz's hand.  
  
"I would lay where you lay, when our brief time is done." Kravitz lowered his head to Taako's and closed his eyes, feeling the warmth from his still living boyfriend radiate through his room-temperate body. The elven fingers around his tightened and did not let go. "And we would never be separated. Nothing would keep us apart, in this plane or the next."  
  
Taako, shuddered beneath Kravitz, interlocked fingers squeezing around each other and eyes full of tears. It was a little hard to kiss Kravitz while smiling that sincerely but Taako made it work. It was a little hard to roll his body against Kravitz's while not letting go of his hands. Taako made that one work, too. Taako and Kravitz made a lot of things work, that night.  
  
  
  
Elves don't dream. But Taako does.   
  
Most elves live on  three hours of meditation a night and forego sleep entirely. Those that do sleep never want to dream or think about it much. It was said at some point that dreaming just just being awake in a different plane of reality, and that it took up a lot of energy which made most things not live very long. With no real way to prove otherwise most elves accepted it as the price one paid for being so long lived and great. At least, that how it was back on their plane, back with two suns and a red sky and a world full of people that had never left their plane before. Taako hadn't heard anyone talk about it on this blue skyed planet, but he hadn't searched it out.  
  
Until the day of Song and Story, he hadn't cared. But that night, as he slept, far too tired, physically and emotionally, for anything less than a full fifteen hours of sleep, Taako Taaco dreamed for the first time in his long, long lifetime. Music and abstract shapes blurred together as faces of people he hadn't ever met and people he never would see again all intermingled. The cacaphony of information and feelings all resulted in Taako waking from his sleep fourteen and a half hours early.   
  
Admittedly, a nightmare was not a great introduction to the world of dreaming. In fact it was shitty. Really shitty, in fact. But things did get better. Upon falling instantly back asleep the scene was different, no chaos, no nightmares. It was just him and Lup, staring up at the sky from the hill where his Aunt's house once stood and it didn't change until he woke up sixteen hours later to a world finally free of the oncoming threat of annihilation.Taako had since taken to sleeping at least for four hours every day when possible. He had gone from boring meditation to a four hour movie about himself every night and Taako was all about that.   
  
This time when Taako dreams it is more like the first than all of the other dreams so far, but still distinctly different. There isn't a scene of home or a family of mongeese grunting at him, but there is a room, Dark and Endless. At first Taako suspected that someone learned the Parley spell from the memories that Fisher broadcast across all the planes and decided to try it out for themselves. In which case, Taako was going to make them work for his attention. Can't be seen catering to just any Joe Pasta.   
  
But the room was different. No sunset outside, no chess board( and thank fuck for that), just a dark, obsidian altar and a tarnished silver candle stick, its candle long burned down. As he stepped closer the darkness revealed more candle sticks in tiered stacks lining the walls. In the darkness, so absolute even his natural darkvision couldn't complete, the hallway seemed infinite.  
  
Taako sighed audibly. He wasn't a fan of these types of dreams. He turned away from the altar and didn't even make a single step on what was sure to be an endless journey when a loud noise startled him into turning back around.  
  
He couldn't quite tell what exactly was standing there, but fuck if it wasn't huge. He thought there were eyes? Maybe? Fuck dude,he had no clue. Time to turn on the charm.  
  
"Hail and well met!" Taako gave his best dazzling smile, a showman even in his dreams.  
  
"Greetings Taako Taaco." The mysterious whatever-the-fuck whisper-hissed, it's voice seemingly emanating from surround sound speakers outside of the room. But, given that this plane hadn't developed or stolen that tech yet, it was probably just the way that thing talked. Seemed friendly enough, though.   
  
"I see you've heard of me. Big Fan, I'm guessing?"  
  
The dark shape chuckled. "I suppose that can be said." There was some rustling noise Taako could hear but couldn't place. It turned it's..Head? to his left. "Hello Kravitz." Taako's head follow its line of sight and, sure enough, there he was.   
  
Kravitz looked as thoroughly debauched as Taako had left him, but considerably more clothed. A quick check made Taako aware that he was also way more clothed, in a fancy black dress no less, nice. He didn't usually go for the halter cut look, but he was really feeling it this time. Its long skirt was covered in black feathers at the hem. Or maybe it was just touching the floor, that was now covered in black feathers. Taako briefly wondered if that floor had always been like that, but quickly went back to admiring his new outfit. Hmm, he might have to conjure this for the wardrobe when he woke up.  
  
"Raven Queen," Kravitz said with no little respect in his voice, kneeling instantly. Taako's beatific poker-face revealed none of his instant nerves. Oh shit, this was her. This was Kravitz's god, his bird mom. Hachi machi, what was going on now? Was he expected to bow? Because he wouldn't. But maybe he should? Taako, still smiling, gave a little wave that he desperately hoped didn't come off as awkward.   
  
The Raven Queen went over to Kravitz and lifted him out of his kneeling with a simple "Rise, Kravitz." Gods, just seeing the Raven Queen move was giving him a headache. The pain must have obvious on his face because Kravitz spoke up.  
  
"Raven Queen, it seems that Taako may be having some trouble with your current form."  
  
Wordlessly the swirling mass of beaks and black feathers thinned down into what would have appeared to be a black haired drow lady, if drow typically grew to be as tall as a redwood tree. All her skin was darker than midnight and upon closer inspection appeared to be made of feathers. Taako super approved of that. What a Look.  
  
"Love the Look, Bird Mom." Kravitz put his head in his hands and tried not to laugh. Of course Taako would, more the fool he for expecting anything else. Wow, he loved this fool elf.  
  
The Raven Queen tilted her head in a birdlike gesture of curiosity and smiled. The Raven Queen reached her hand out behind herself and slid her open palm across the smooth black surface. As she did the rows upon rows of burned down candles lit themselves. They didn't seem to be melting the wax or burning the wick so Taako could only really chalk it up to some classy evocation stuff. Lup would love this shit.  
  
"Kravitz. Step forward." Kravitz did so without hesitation. The Raven Queen grabbed Kravitz's skeletal hand. She held her free hand out to the elf in front of her. "Taako, you too."  
  
Taako rocked back on his heels,and gave the room a suspicious once over before joining his boyfriend in front of the feathery goddess and her light show. Taako gingerly set his hand in hers, she was somehow even colder than Kravitz usually was. Was Taako the only Not-Popsicle in this room?  
  
Taako didn't have to hold her hand long. The Raven Queen took their hands and brought them together, pressing them flat against each other in her icy cold grip. When she released them Taako almost asked what that was about before being immediately distracted by the glint of metal. Kravitz and Taako looked at their joined hands with extreme confusion.  
  
"Kravitz, my most loyal. You hadn't read that book since you first came into my service and still you said every word perfectly. And Taako, you inspired enough love in a dead, cold heart that he could say those words at all. It is a marvel beyond what even I can do." Her black taloned fingers brushed a tear away from her face, ruffling her feathers quite literally. "Take your first steps now," she said, pointing down the infinite hallway lit by dead candles.    
  
Taako and Kravitz did so. Moving in that ethereal way that he sometimes did in dreams, they looked away from the Raven Queen and began walking down the hallway, hand and hand. And they did not let go.  
  
Taako opened his eyes to the waking world with the sound of a voice in the back of his head saying something he just barely could not catch. Taako closed his eyes and went back to sleep, unaware of the golden ring on his finger, the similar ring on Kravitz's, or the card on the nightstand reading "Congratulations on your Nuptials" signed by the Raven Queen and its accompanying Coupon For One Free Favor.


	2. taako Wakes up

Taako woke up to the light of a singular sun pouring in on his beautiful elven face, ruining his blissfully indulgent, and completely unnecessary slumber. As he slowly opened his eyes he felt the ambient crackle of eerie, ghostly energy. Oh, yeah. Kravitz slept over.

  
Said Kravitz proceeded to snuggle his lukewarm body-construct against Taako's living form, drooling very slightly. Taako looked down at his extra-planar boyfriend, full of contentment and still feeling yesterday's stolen bread sticks weighing down his gut. It was pretty nice to see him getting to sleep undisturbed. Neither of them needed to sleep but only one of them still got woken up at least once a night. This time Kravitz had gotten to sleep long enough that the drool had made a rare appearance. Taako sat up, brushing his messy hair out of his face,  and felt the cheap, mass produced breadsticks shift around in his stomach. Yeah, no. Petty thievery or not, Olive Garden could go fuck itself.

  
Taako lovingly shoved his bony boyfriend off his lap. He needed a piss and he needed it now. He strutted and most definitively did NOT run to the bathroom, because that would be gauche and... fuck it. Krav had already seen the fucking scar on his butt from that time he sat on a fork, he could afford to be real here. He ran like Elf Usain Bolt to the toilet and thank fuck for that.  
Usually one removes their rings before going to the bathroom in the first place, but extenuating circumstances (and a full bladder) meant Taako had been in a bit of a rush. So he had to wash his hands and his rings. One by one he plucked off the gaudy glass ring he had transmuted into ruby, the mood ring that matched his sister's on the left pinky, the one he stole from some rich looser back on his home plane, oh, what's this? Taako turned his hand this way and that, confused about a ring he couldn't remember. He was struck by the vicious, righteous thought that maybe Lucretia had some more _secrets_ she wanted to keep. Taako gripped the ring and pulled it off.

  
Well, he tried. He damn near Merle'd himself when the ring refused to come off. He pulled again. It still wouldn't come off.Dude, the fuck....

  
Taako squinted his elf eyes at the stubborn ring. Now with confusion and suspicion wiping the sleep from his eyes he gave the ring a more detailed once over. It was a shiny sort of gold that either meant it was very cheap or very expensive, and he while he liked both  he was pretty sure this metal wasn't native to this Prime Material Plane. The real nail in the proverbial coffin ( a proverb that Taako brought to this plane, you're welcome) was the bird skull etched into the band.

  
"Uh huh....." Taako stared at it for a bit and turn on the tap anyway, the mystery would wait, he couldn't go snooping with pee-dick-hands. That's just unsanitary, especially for a chef. As he lathered up his hands, ring and all, he leaned his head toward the open doorway. Prestidigitation filled his vocal chords as he shouted, "Hey, Skeletor, what the fuck?!"


End file.
